In May, the Surgeon General of the United States issued a warning about an epidemic, not of a new strain of COVID or some other infectious disease, but of loneliness. You may not have read the bulletin from the Department of Health and Human Services, but you might have noticed an uptick this summer in articles in popular media on the topic. NPR, The Atlantic, USA Today, The Smithsonian, CNNtoday, and countless other outlets carried the headline that loneliness is “as deadly as smoking” and that this problem, which pre-existed COVID isolation protocols, continues to plague us.
You can also google “decline of church attendance” and find those same news outlets carrying dire headlines about the end of the mainline church as we know it. This is not a coincidence. Though the reasons for these two phenomena are complex and distinct, there is a strong overlapping Venn diagram where a lot of people sit⏤disconnected and disaffiliated.
Now I realize that if you are reading this, a blog from a parish priest for goodness sake, you may not be all that disconnected or disaffiliated, but maybe you do understand the drift: the ease with which you and I miss the neighborhood association meeting because it feels tedious, or the comfort of pajamas and a second cup of tea on the one morning of the week when attendance isn’t taken (because they *do* take attendance at soccer on Saturdays). Those of us who sit in offices at 102 N. 2nd think about all these things a lot. And there’s a strong temptation to program our way forward. I happen to think that we offer really lovely and compelling conversations and classes, but I also get that I’m impossibly biased.
What I also understand is that being in community, while desirable to combat loneliness, is often inconvenient and uncomfortable. Being near people means that I will smell them, whether that’s too much perfume or maybe urine. People will ask things of us: to volunteer, to be on a committee, to listen. And people tell long stories. We’ll have to deal with parking. But here’s the thing: we’ll also meet someone who is a lot older than us or a lot younger who offers a totally different perspective. We’ll hear a story that doesn’t make any sense; we’ll hear a story that makes everything make sense. Someone will sit near us without saying a word while we cry. While everyone around us is singing, a new idea will spark seemingly from nowhere. I might even figure something out that’s been troubling me for a long time.
That’s the anecdotal antidote to loneliness⏤showing up and being near people who are also showing up. What makes it church, and not just a neighborhood association meeting, is that we’re trying to open our small hearts not just to make room for each other but also to make room for Love. We’re pushing the boundaries of our average intelligence to grasp the wisdom and holiness of God. We gather to hear the stories of our neighbors and also to hear some ancient stories about being Good Neighbors. We keep coming to church because we have a sneaking suspicion that there’s more to all of this than errands and bills, and we’re willing to put up with the awkwardness of saying that we’re not sure, but maybe it’s like an inconvenient community of saints, smelly and marvelous, saying their prayers together.
I can’t not come to church. It’s a lifelong habit that I can’t kick without feeling guilty. That’s what the Dominican nuns did to me! But I confess that sometimes I have to force myself to go to that class, discussion, or other offering; and I do it because I know how much thought and planning the clergy and staff have put into it. Most times I don’t regret it, and almost always I feel better for it because of the interactions, the insights, and the growth I experience while in community with other searchers.
Glad for your presence in so many offerings!
I am so grateful for my Calvary family. Although I am guilty of participating in the “church of the front porch” in PJs and a second cup of coffee on some Sundays. I am always glad when I choose to go be in community. 🙂
Not trying to make anyone feel guilt. God’s on the porch too 🙂
Thank You
Great piece, as always, Katherine.
I actually brought this (isolation and loneliness) up in today’s “Gleanings” get together. Isolation and loneliness are killers. They slowly eat away at your health and lead some people to very dark places from which they cannot escape. Humans are social animals that need community, and I believe places like Calvary uniquely fill a void for many of us. After years of agnosticism and apathy about church, I came back because I felt too isolated. I’m quite grateful for its place in my life, and I’m happy to tell anyone that asks why I returned to church.
Very glad that you’re part of this community, Beau!
Katherine, I see so much loneliness and disconnection in my counseling practice – and not just people my age. I would love to chat with you about this sometime. You are a treasure.
Nancy, I’d love to have that conversation.
Oh Katherine, thank you. So well said. And yes, Calvary offers so many amazing options in discussion. Am so grateful for my church family.
Great to have seen you in person just the other day!
This is spot on. After my stroke in November it seems everyone dropped out of my life. I am still unable to drive
On Sundays I know my husband I will go to church and I’ll be in the presence of people. I may not be able to sing and read out loud the parts that’s aren’t memorized. But I know it’s okay to just be there. Just to be. I don’t consider myself the elderly but I’ve definitely become the home bound. The loneliness is there but Sunday is a bright light in the week. Thank you for pulling it together. Calvary is fortunate to have you.
Jeanie, I’m so glad for the bright spot for you – and I’m sure your presence makes it a bright spot for others.
Katherine, I, too, am impossibly biased about Calvary and all that it offers! Thank you for being part of that offering.